On Tuesday, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence released documents written by Osama bin Laden, including the late terrorist's will, personal letters and warnings to countries including the United States. Below is a copy of his will:
I, Usama Bin Muhammad ‘Awadh Bin ‘Abud Bin Laden, being of sound mind and body, declare this to be my Last Will and Testament.
In regard to that money that is in Sudan, it is about $29 million dollars, give or take. There is also about $12 million stuffed in my mattress, which makes for a lumpy bed, but who can trust banks these days? I also own stock in Martha Stewart Living that should be worth another $5 million, unless she ends up in prison again.
I hope, for my brothers, sisters, and maternal aunts, to obey my will and to spend all the money that I have left on Jihad, for the sake of Allah. Try to stretch out the funds as best you can. Do not be extravagant. Stick to the basics, such as manufacturing improvised explosive devices and purchasing Kalashnikov rifles and shoulder mounted rockets. I don’t want you spending it on a fancy tank or helicopter that the Americans can easily target and destroy. (I’m looking at you, Jawhar.) If you can fund a mission to kidnap the devil George W. Bush and cut off his fingers so that he can no longer paint, that would make my soul sing.
Also, I leave all my pornographic videos—The Complete “Girls Gone Jihadi” Collection—to my nephew Muhammed. My boy, there is nothing quite like watching girls do it to the sound of machine gun fire.
I implore you to continue my good work of terrorizing the West. At the end of the day there’s no better feeling than knowing that you’ve killed innocent men, women and children for no reason other than to wreak terror on their loved ones and countrymen.
Also, please donate 500,000 riyals to the Khartoum Animal Shelter specifically for the care of kittens. Watching YouTube videos of cats doing silly things have given me great joy these past few years and I would like to give something back.
I shall revise this will periodically, especially if my porn collection expands. I plan to die an old man here in my impregnable compound. But one never knows what Allah has in mind.
Signed,
Usama Bin Muhammad ‘Awadh Bin ‘Abud Bin Laden